Victoria's Secret is the funniest

Before I begin, check out this picture my sister made for me on her blog, it's me barfing bubbles. (hold ctrl+the minus sign to shrink it, its huge, then ctrl + to bring it back to size). So my wife is looking for new jobs, she used to be a fitter at a boutique in Manhattan's upper west side called The Bra Smyth. It's that "y " in the name that lets them charge and extra $50 for their bras (actually its the handmade stictching, fine lace, silk, and/or french/italian designed imports that almost make them worth every penny of $90-250).

She was robbed at knife point in this store. A junky came in jittering and brandishing a long butcher knife, much like a meat cleaver with a long point. I'm sure theres a name for this knife, but sod off, I didn't go to culinary school. He walked to the counter where my wife stood alone and proceeded to bang the knife against the glass counter top and insist that this was not a joke. He walked around the counter and had the knife to her back and demanded all the money in the register, but she didn't have the keys. The manager, who was taking her lunch break in back, came forth nervously with the keys and he left with a whopping $300. It's the upper west side, "women be shoppin," but they use plastic, fool.

He didn't get away with it for long, he tried a few more stores in the next couple weeks and was stupid enough to try one store twice in a week. He got rushed by the store manager and landed on his knife, and dashed out the door,bleeding, leaving behind his knife, wallet, and with it, his I.D. card. He is in jail for grand theft with a weapon.

This is not the point of todays blog, but it is quite a story nonetheless, and is only one of the many hardships we endured living in New York City last year. NO, I want to talk about Victoria's Secret, quite a step down for my wife, but she applied there nonetheless. I often get dragged into the store with my wife and have try to stare ahead at nothing in particular while she tries things on in the no-man-zone. This is no small feat, even the maniquinns are hot. As a teen I used to joke that a funny thing to do would be to go into a VS and when an employee asks "can I help you today," you reply, "no thanks, I'm just here to feel up the mannequins."

I think its funny, but Chelbie doesn't.

She also didn't laugh when she showed me the new Memory Foam bra and I said "is that in case your boobs forget?" I am laughing at my own jokes right now. I can't help it, I even find it funny that she doesn't think it's funny. Sometimes the less funny she thinks I am, the more funny I think something is. Like yesterday when we passed a billboard of Celine Dion and I said she looks like a greyhound. She said I was mean, to which I replied that I thought mean was funny, mainly because I don't really mean it (Celine really does remind me of a greyhound, though). I have a snarky sense of humor, but I hate the word "snarky." It makes me think of snaggletooth and snorks for some reason. My friends and I used to say "that's so mean...but it's so funny."
Nowadays i'm forced to reckon whether I truly am mean, or a comedic genius. I think its not much of either, but I'm from the male species, albeit a very sensitive and thoughtful specimen compared to the average joe.

She did laugh when I told her Victoria's Secret: they don't have any of the bras you like in your size.

Coast to Coast

Hola Amigo's, it's been a while since I rapped atcha.

Earlier this month I left New York City for the sunny California weather, and with it my slave job schlepping packages for Fedex. Unfortunately, I had to leave my band too. So at the moment I'm bandless, but I'm working on my own music more than I did before.

My sister and I are hoping to unveil new Spitting Image designs within the month, we have some great new images and will start to unveil our baby clothes. Its all top secret until we have procured our copyrights. And its all pop secret when I want some popcorn.

We did make a new logo, its godzilla versus a squid and it rules your face. It does, say it! "It rules my face." there.i'm glad you agree. even if you haven't seen it yet. I'll try to make it my background.

My days have changed drastically from waking up at 4:30 AM, catching the R or V train, transferring to the G, then to the L and arriving in Canarsie Brooklyn after an hour and a half of commuting, working my arse of in the hood, riding elevators (read "port-a-potty") in the projects, flying through Hasidic neighborhoods to deliver before Shabbot when they weren't allowed to sign for packages anymore, and 14-18 hours after I left for work, I get home too tired to move, but I still work and stay up til at least 12:30.

Nowadays I wake up when I feel like it, grab the guitar, read through some classical peices, let the 5 dogs out, clean up after the 5 dogs, maybe I'll play God of War, Grand Theft Auto (San Andreas), or Guitar Hero (I was a latent videogamer, I just got a ps2, and on occasion I still play Nintendo). I screen some shirts, ship 'em in the afternoon, and go out to dinner almost every day. I'm getting fat and tan. Well, I did go for a jog today, and I got some new kicks. Let me tell you what, there are a lot of malls here.

Lets talk about kicks: Why is it so hard to find cool shoes that fit? First off, I don't skateboard (at least not since 7th grade when I was a total poser with my Brandon Carabajal New School deck) and I don't play basketball (since 5th grad when I was benched the entire season-essentially I spent my school nights running laps and getting pushed around for several months only to play 30 seconds of our last game when we were already losing and I could do no further damage). I don't want a pair of vans, don't adidas anymore, and the Onitsuka Tigers I love didn't come in my size. Thats the other problem, nothing fits me. 8.5 size shoes and a small fit shirt, 30 X 30 pants (that aren't baggy fit), you'd think I was trying to find Waldo in a peppermint factory full of bespectacled hikers.

I used to rock these Bruce Lee/Beatrice Kiddo Tigers:

I wanted to get a new pair today in silver/black but they dind't come in my size and were discountinued.

Quick aside, is it me or does every girl you ever knew in grade/middle school just sit at home and make facebook graffitti and throw sheep all day?!

So I'm always the last to get/see new stuff it seems (with the excepetion of my stolen i-phone, may it burn the fingers of its thief, and I know who did it, way to outmaneuver our work cameras, jerkface). I'm skeptical of things that appeal to the masses. I got into the Smashing Pumpkins after they had already broke up. I didn't figure out that Deathcab for Cutie was not a goth/emo band until someone gave me a Postal Service CD. I didn't see 6th sense early enough and Jack Lemmon spoiled the ending for me with in a spoof he did on David Letterman.

That said, I just got Bjork's Volta yesterday. Suddenly I like it, although I was apathetic when it first came out last year.

Here's two things I vow not to miss, having learned my lesson:

1) Iron Man- Downey, Jr. makes an arresting Tony Stark

2)David Sedaris' 6th book - I got suckered into thinking "Children Playing Before a Statue of Hercules" was his newest release-joke's on me, its an anthology of his favorite short stories. Laugh it up sucka. Heres the real deal, to be released in June:

I have no idea when I'll get around to reading anyway, now that I'm not stuck on a train for 3 hours a day.

I love you New York, you stole my heart and you stole three cellphones from me, and you damn near got away with my car.