Thursday, April 24, 2008

Victoria's Secret is the funniest

Before I begin, check out this picture my sister made for me on her blog, it's me barfing bubbles. (hold ctrl+the minus sign to shrink it, its huge, then ctrl + to bring it back to size). So my wife is looking for new jobs, she used to be a fitter at a boutique in Manhattan's upper west side called The Bra Smyth. It's that "y " in the name that lets them charge and extra $50 for their bras (actually its the handmade stictching, fine lace, silk, and/or french/italian designed imports that almost make them worth every penny of $90-250).

She was robbed at knife point in this store. A junky came in jittering and brandishing a long butcher knife, much like a meat cleaver with a long point. I'm sure theres a name for this knife, but sod off, I didn't go to culinary school. He walked to the counter where my wife stood alone and proceeded to bang the knife against the glass counter top and insist that this was not a joke. He walked around the counter and had the knife to her back and demanded all the money in the register, but she didn't have the keys. The manager, who was taking her lunch break in back, came forth nervously with the keys and he left with a whopping $300. It's the upper west side, "women be shoppin," but they use plastic, fool.

He didn't get away with it for long, he tried a few more stores in the next couple weeks and was stupid enough to try one store twice in a week. He got rushed by the store manager and landed on his knife, and dashed out the door,bleeding, leaving behind his knife, wallet, and with it, his I.D. card. He is in jail for grand theft with a weapon.

This is not the point of todays blog, but it is quite a story nonetheless, and is only one of the many hardships we endured living in New York City last year. NO, I want to talk about Victoria's Secret, quite a step down for my wife, but she applied there nonetheless. I often get dragged into the store with my wife and have try to stare ahead at nothing in particular while she tries things on in the no-man-zone. This is no small feat, even the maniquinns are hot. As a teen I used to joke that a funny thing to do would be to go into a VS and when an employee asks "can I help you today," you reply, "no thanks, I'm just here to feel up the mannequins."

I think its funny, but Chelbie doesn't.

She also didn't laugh when she showed me the new Memory Foam bra and I said "is that in case your boobs forget?" I am laughing at my own jokes right now. I can't help it, I even find it funny that she doesn't think it's funny. Sometimes the less funny she thinks I am, the more funny I think something is. Like yesterday when we passed a billboard of Celine Dion and I said she looks like a greyhound. She said I was mean, to which I replied that I thought mean was funny, mainly because I don't really mean it (Celine really does remind me of a greyhound, though). I have a snarky sense of humor, but I hate the word "snarky." It makes me think of snaggletooth and snorks for some reason. My friends and I used to say "that's so mean...but it's so funny."
Nowadays i'm forced to reckon whether I truly am mean, or a comedic genius. I think its not much of either, but I'm from the male species, albeit a very sensitive and thoughtful specimen compared to the average joe.

She did laugh when I told her Victoria's Secret: they don't have any of the bras you like in your size.

8 comments:

amy said...

Celine Dion does look like a greyhound!

What if Chelbies chest gets bigger and her bra only remembers when it was smaller? Or, her bra will rehash old memories that she would rather forget. Memory foam is for the birds.

Heather Buchanan said...

I am going to use your memory foam joke sometime and claim I came up with it all by myself. You can't stop me!

Ha!

WHERE IS MY MOUSTACHE MAN SHIRT/BOYFRIEND? I AM LONELY WITHOUT HIM. SAD, PATHETIC, AND LONELY.

Oh, and all women secretly check out the bulges on male mannequins. You'll often see a gaggle of suspicious-looking ladies in the bicycle shorts section of sporting goods stores.

knitsteel said...

memory foam bras?

Little Pods Clothing said...

I just invite my husband into the dressing room with me. ;) For real! But also- I'm from Long Island, (I've moved to Pittsburgh) but NYC is my favorite piece of land ever, it's where my little black heart thaws.

Heather Buchanan said...

Don't worry about the shirt. I'm sure it will come. Things sometimes take several weeks to reach my arctic wasteland. Some Canadian customs guy probably opened the package and is currently dancing about merrily in my shirt. But eventually he'll take it off and see that it gets to me. Worry not.

And how sad about your bicycle! I would have beat the crap out of that kid. I was a tough broad when I was wee.

bunbun said...

The Celine Dion joke is right on. I have a little hatred for her (having to listen to her at a office I worked at everyday) so i liked it.
I like it when my husband says little catty meanish things that are funny. As long as he is loyal to me and doesn't make fun of me!

Little Pods Clothing said...

Some of my images are inspired from my sons coloring books, but all of them are hand drawn. :) And the slogans are mine. I'm excited to see your line of onsies!

Heather Buchanan said...

It came! It came! It came! I'm wearing him! He's happy. I'm happy. Me and my little moustache man.

I am now a whole and complete person now!

Hooray!